Tony: Great. Next stop, Gitmo. I got a hit.

McGee to Tony: Thank you, Tony. Look after yourself. Don't fall overboard, okay?
Tony: (looks left and right, then mutters) More likely to jump.
Gibbs: DiNozzo!
Tony: (puzzled) Pa?
Gibbs: Take care of yourself.
Tony: (looks around) Miss you too, Dad.

Ziva: It’s freezing in here.
McGee: After four months in the sub-basement, this is cozy. It’s like march of the Penguins down there.

Ziva: Looks like we found the murder weapon. Toy guitar?
McGee: That is not a toy guitar. That is a guitar controller. Used to play Lords of Rock, video game. That particular model is called an axe.
Ziva: So our killer is an axe murderer.

(in response to Ziva and Gibbs analyzing the crime scene)
McGee: I’m sure I would have figured that out eventually.
Ziva: You spent way to much time in the cyber unit. Your crime scene skills are getting a bit dusty.
McGee: Rusty.

Ducky:…suggesting that the blows were delivered—
McGee: Post-mortem. (Looks at Gibbs) Right?
Gibbs smiles.

McGee: Don’t worry Abs. Tony’s deployment will be over soon. Maybe they’ll transfer him back.
Abby: Not maybe McGee. Definitely.

Director Vance: Agent DiNozzo has three more months on the Seahawk. After that we’ll look for the right fit.
Gibbs: He fits right here.

Dr. Nguyễn : Yeah well because of you I have to fill out a report every time I dispense an aspirin.
Tony: That must be such a headache.

Dr. Nguyễn : The man who went overboard?
Tony: Yeah that’d be him genius.
Dr. Nguyễn : You’ve already seen these records.
Tony: And that’s the wacky nature of these cases. They’re sort of like cheap luggage. You think they’re closed and then BAM! You hit a curb, lose a wheel and they open up all over again.

Gibbs: McGee!
McGee: I’m trying boss.
Gibbs: Just pull up his service record.
McGee: Keating changed all my macros. My key board short cuts… Alright I’m pulling it up on the plasma screen.
Ziva: Should we have Keating sent up from the cyber unit.

Ziva: Which may have led to marital problems.
Gibbs: Or murder. I’m going to talk to DiNozzo and the Seahawk.
Abby: Tony? When? Now? Can I talk to him? Please Gibbs I just want to tell him that Sister Rosita bowled a 260 last month and—
Gibbs: Abby, it’s not a social call.
(Gibbs stops short and Ziva runs into him.)
Gibbs: Ziva.
Ziva: Want me to join you?
(Gibbs gives her a look. She is unabashed)

(Gets the information to appear on the plasma)
McGee: Boss! Yes. Boss. I got it!
(looks around, and Gibbs is already gone)

Tony: Hey boss, you talk to Vance?
Gibbs: No I’m talking to you.
Tony: Come on you got to get me off this ship. You have any idea what it’s like to be the only cop on board a city of 5000?
(Gibbs laughs)
Tony: Well of of course you do. But just in case you forgot. It sucks!

Tony: Nothing that screams I’m going to kill my wife and jump overboard. Well it’s pretty obvious what happened right? Evans kills his wife before he leaves, joins the ship, feels he can’t live with what he’s done and then he jumps overboard. Which is what I’m going to do if I don’t get off this ship soon!

Vance: You didn’t read these files did you?
Gibbs: Like I said. Two good men.
Vance: Your choice?
Gibbs: DiNozzo. You sent Ziva to Israel to follow a lead. You sent McGee to the basement to crack a code. There is no reason to assign DiNozzo to a carrier.
Vance: Seven years as an agent. I figured it was about time.
Gibbs: You think he screwed the pooch in LA. That it? You sent him to sea to punish him, Leon?
Vance: Your choice is noted.

McGee: Yeah, Tony that’s what I was trying to tell you.
Tony: Well when do they get here!?
Gibbs: (from behind Tony) Already have.

McGee: Denied again.
Abby: Didn’t they teach you anything down there in Cyber-ville? (Look from McGee) No cyber jokes. Got it.

Abby: Well, Ducky was right. It’s snot.
McGee: It’s not what?
Abby: It’s snot.
McGee: It’s not?
Abby: Yeah, it is.
McGee: Not what?
(Abby gives McGee a look)
Abby: Snot. The substance found in Lindsey Evans hair. It’s snot.
McGee: Well why didn’t you just say that?

Abby: Timmy got new skills!
McGee: Was a long four months.
Abby (looks at her day-count-up and picture of Tony): It still is McGee.

Tony: Let me guess. You guys caught a bad case of DiNozzo-itis and had Vance send you down south.
Ziva: DiNozzo-itis, sounds venereal.
Tony: Okay, don’t admit it. I know you missed me. I missed you Boss.

(Ziva gives Tony her long stare.)
Tony: What?
Ziva: You seem, um…different.
Tony: Taller? Hotter?
Ziva: Older.
Tony: Well, it’s been over four months.
Ziva: You still beating yourself up over Jenny?
Tony: (looks away from Ziva) Not as much as I used to.
Ziva: Drinking?
Tony: Not as much as I used to.
(Ziva touches his shoulder to get him to look at her)
Ziva: You could have called.

Tony: Okay, I was thinking we should let Ziva handle the coroner. I’ve got a hunch.
Gibbs: Got a hunch huh?
Tony: The powers of observation.

Ziva: Is this where you have been these past months?
Tony: Yes. It’s just like the squad room only I’m the squad and there’s no room.

(Ziva and Tony go to leave and Ziva notices the pictures of her in her bathing suit tacked to a tack board.)
Ziva: What are those doing on your wall?
Tony: How…how did those get there?
(walking ship)
Ziva: McGee was specifically told to destroy those photos.
Tony: I guess he forgot.
Ziva: Well then perhaps I should remind him.
Tony: Go easy on the lad. He’s had a rough summer.
Ziva: Well we all have.
Tony: I think it was especially difficult for McGeek; doesn’t handle change well, never has.
Ziva: He seems fine.
Tony: Please, cooped up in that techno-basement for four months? You know how much he loves pounding the pavement, working leads, interrogating.
Ziva: Ha! McGee?
Tony: Yeah, not to mention Gibbs, Duckster, you and me, Abs. I mean, everyone knows how close those two are.
Ziva: McGee was in the subbasement, Tony. They had lunch every week.
Tony: It’s not the same. You get used to seeing someone every day, talking to ‘em, relying on ‘em, then all of a sudden they’re not there.
Ziva: It’s all part of the job.
Tony: Doesn’t make it any easier… for McGee.

Gibbs: You got a B-Plan DiNozzo?
Tony: B…bb…B-Plan? Plan B? Be prepared. Of course I have a Plan B. What kind of agent afloat would I be if I didn’t have a Plan-B? You…you gotta have a Plan-B. I’m all about Plan-B.
(Phone rings, Tony answers)
Tony: Plan-A. They found him.

Tony: I hate it when you don’t know what you’re looking for, but it might kill you if you find it.

Tony: Hell of a Co-winki-dink.
Ziva: What’s a quink-a-dink?
(Tony gives Ziva a look.)
Tony: Coincidence.
Ziva: You believe this is a dwink-a-quink?
Tony: Sarcasm Ziva. We’re back in America. Flip the switch.
Ziva: Well technically we are not.
Tony: American ship, American soil. Ah, American soil.
Ziva: Enough already. You have three more months, what’s the big deal?
Tony: Easy for you to say.
Ziva: What’s that supposed to mean?
Tony: You’re back in DC, which is what you wanted… Isn’t it?
Ziva: You get orders, Tony. You may not like them, but you follow them. That’s why they’re called “orders”.
Tony: That’s not what I asked. Something happened in Israel, didn’t it? You’ll say you don’t want to talk about it, but your eyes won’t shut up. Something you left behind, maybe? Or someone?
Ziva: You’re right. I don’t want to talk about it.

Abby: Gibbs, after a major whiny little temper tantrum Mr. Major Mass Spec got his act in order.

Abby: McGee what’s up? I heard Vance sent you back to the sub-basement.
McGee: No I sent myself back to the sub-basement.
Abby: So what’s next? Sending Ziva back to Israel?

Tony: Almost there boss.
Gibbs: That’s what you said ten minutes ago.
Ziva: What is the problem Tony?
Tony: There is no problem Zee-vah. I’ve seen McGee do this a million times.
Ziva: A million times faster.
Tony: Where the hell are they?
Ziva: Should I call McGee?
Tony: Only if you want to be bored to death with him explaining what I have just done.
(gets the screen to come up with what he wants.)
Gibbs: Narrow that right there.
Tony: I’m trying. Just waiting for my insult now.
Ziva: It takes McGee only seconds.
Tony: Alot of things take McGee only seconds. Hah! Got it.

Gibbs: You wanna fly? I said do you want to fly?! Let's fly. Tell the flight deck Agent Gibbs said to launch.

Com Tech: Medivac is asking to launch on Agent Gibbs' order.
Tony: Launch the plane.
Commander: I've got an armed man aboard that aircraft.
Tony: So have I and he said launch it.

Tony: COD's launching in 10, Boss.
Gibbs: Well then grab your gear.
Tony: My gear?
Gibbs: Yeah. You’re heading home DiNozzo.
Tony: Home?
Ziva: Home.
Tony: (takes off running) Make a hole! Coming through!

Gibbs: The team needs him Leon.
Vance: I’ve already made my decision. And in answer to your question. It was never punishment.

Abby: (crushing Tony in a hug) Tony! You’re back!
Tony: In the flesh.
Abby: For real? Like total real? Like pinky promise permanent real?
Tony: Reassigned to DC, effective immediately. (To Gibbs) Vance just told me.
McGee: Never thought I’d say this Tony, but it’s nice to have you back.
Abby: Nice? It’s like spectacular. I kept every one of your postcards and I have a whole DiNozzo wall in my office.
Tony: It was a long four months and I have to say it’s great to be back, not that I didn’t think I wasn’t coming back…
Abby: (cutting him off) So anyway sister Rosita bowled a 260 last month. And I watched Titanic finally and it sinks in the end, very weird…

Tony: So you stayed at Abs last night huh? You guys sleep in the same room?
Ziva: It is a one bedroom apartment.
Tony: One bedroom, one bed, one coffin.
Ziva: You want the truth?
Tony: Yeah, I think I can handle the truth.
Ziva: My building was being fumigated and Abby was kind enough to let me stay over on the couch in my pajamas.
Tony: Come on, work with me a bit.

Tony holds up lace underwear, Ziva turns around and sees him.
Ziva: Tony, what are you doing?
Tony: I’m building a profile of the victim.

Ziva: You just love snooping around into other peoples' lives don’t you?
Tony: Yeah that why I became a cop.

Vance: (comes halfway down the stairs and stares at Gibbs) Got a minute?
(Gibbs silently joins him.)
Tony: So what’s up with El Jefe? Yesterday he leaves the crime scene with no explanation. Today he knew the Admiral had a problem with the victim. Where’d he get that?
McGee: Maybe he’s bluffing.
Tony: Un-un. It was on the nose.
Ziva: Who’s nose?
Tony: On the money. Bulls eye. Right as rain. You were doing better before you went back to Israel. You’ve reverted.
(Ziva gives Tony a look and clicks the pointer she’s holding in his face.)

Tony: I think I see something. A shadowy something. Down there.
McGee: Your turn.
Tony: I am the Jedi Master. You are the Padawan Learner. (points toward the stream) Closer. Closer.
McGee: I can't get any closer.
Tony: (grabs McGee's shoulders) I've got you.
McGee: You've got me?
Tony: I'm holding you.
(McGee makes move toward stream, loses balance and falls in)
Tony: See, I told you I saw something.

Abby: Gibbs, it was underwater and covered in mud.
Tony: McGee found it with his butt.

McGee: Director Vance I’ll need the password to your voice-mail account.
Vance: (writes it down) For your eyes only.
McGee: Yes, sir.
Vance: And the messages from my wife, not for your ears.

Vance: I’m going to need to be kept in the loop on this.
Gibbs: I’ve been on this case less than twenty-four hours. When I get something concrete I will let you know.

Gibbs: Abby what are you doing?
Abby: A boundary has been cross. I’ve been violated. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Gibbs: Yeah? Tell me.
Abby: Someone stole my cupcake.

Abby: There is a thief amongst us and I’m going to find out who and they’re going to be sorry.
Gibbs: Do you think you could pull yourself away from this long enough to focus on the murder?
Abby: She reads her horoscope every day, as do I. Today it said I was going to have a positive encounter with a co-worker. Not going to happen.

Tony: …but my source at the Pentagon says he’s still a player.
Ziva: Who is your source?
Tony: Jerry the barber.
Ziva: (half laughs) A barber?
Tony: Yeah. … Barbers, manicurist, shoe shine guys, they’re invisible. People talk in front of them like they’re not even there.

Gibbs: (slams his desk drawer and grabs his coat) No one leaves here until I get back.
Tony: Okay, now I’m officially curious.

McGee: There must be hundreds of those in the Metro area.
Abby: Twelve hundred and sixty-seven, open your mouth.
McGee: What? Why?
Abby: I need a DNA swab.
McGee: What’s this about?
Ziva: Someone stole her cupcake.
McGee: No, this is an invasion of privacy.
Abby: McGee I will get your DNA one way or another.
Tony: Do what the woman says. She sleeps in a coffin.
Abby: (takes swab) Thanks. (turns to Tony) You’re next.

Abby: You cannot have my cupcake and eat it too.
Gibbs: You’re not serious?
Abby: Dead.

Ducky: I can give you a preliminary cause of death.
Gibbs: Asphyxiation.
Ducky: Well, yes, it is rather obvious isn’t it? Would you care to venture the time of death?
Gibbs: A little after ten this morning.
Ducky: I’m not feeling very needed.

Vance: You got an opinion?
Gibbs: It doesn’t feel right. We were handed the gun and the confession. It was too easy.

McGee: Hey. You looking for me Tony?
Abby: No, I am. Do you think I’m an idiot?
McGee: No.
Abby: What you thought I wouldn’t figure it out?
McGee: What is she talking about?
Ziva: The cupcake.
Abby: You stole it from my refrigerator. I have forensic evidence. Your big fat fingerprint.
McGee: Oh come on you think I’m that stupid? Look, if I was going to steal your precious cupcake I would not leave a fingerprint on your refrigerator.
Abby: You didn’t. You used latex gloves. Brand new box McGee. Only prints, mine and yours.
McGee: You said you were going glutten free.
Abby: Where is it McGee?
McGee: I was saving you from yourself Abby.
Abby: Where did you save it McGee?
McGee: Okay, I ate it. It was late, I hadn’t eaten since lunch, the machine in the break room was empty and it looked so good.
Tony: (hugs McGee) What were you thinking McGee? She’s a world class forensic scientist. (Head slaps him)
Ziva: I bought the cupcake for Abby. (Ziva head slaps him)
Abby: So, how was it?
McGee: It was life changing.

Vance: Would have appreciated the heads-up before the arrest.
Gibbs: You covered good. Trust. Loyalty. They’re important.
Vance: Guess you know all about that after today. How do you think we’re going to do in that department?

Jackson: Boss? You make them call you that? He’s not a boss… Are you a boss Leroy?

McGee: Good morning Gibbs. Gibbs-es.

Jackson: You give people a chance and they might surprise you.
Gibbs: That’s what worries me.

(Tony gets out of the car grimacing and rubbing his arm.)
McGee: Pass a lot of Volkswagen beetles on your way up?
Tony: Abby cheats at punch buggy.
McGee: I know.

Abby and McGee: Shotgun.
Abby and McGee: Called it first.
(Race to car, Ziva is already sitting in the front.)

Tony: Jack, I’ve gotta know some things. I’ve got a lot of questions.
Gibbs: You can have two DiNozzo.
Tony: Where do I start?
Gibbs: You’ve got one left.
Tony: Well that doesn’t count…okay. The rules? Did he learn him from you? Did you teach him the rules?
Jackson: Sorry son, I didn’t teach him much of anything.

Tony: So many questions! My mind is spinning with questions! I mean, have you ever thought about it? He actually came from somewhere! He didn't just appear, y'know; he didn't just start Gibbs, he was a boy, and then he grew!
Ziva: I thought he was molded from clay, had life breathed into him by a group of mystics!
McGee: That's funny, I thought he fell to Earth in a capsule, after his home planet exploded!
Ziva: (laughs) No, he burst forth- full grown, from the mind of Zeus!
McGee: Nice.
Tony: He is the avatar of Vishnu. He was sent to be the left hand of Yahweh! He was grown in a cabbage patch. I'm trying to pose a serious metaphysical question here! You want to be clever? I can be clever.
Gibbs: (enters) Just a matter of time, DiNozzo.

Ziva: I am normal people!
Tony: You're normal people like the people from "Ordinary People" are normal people.
Tony: Why would one friend withhold information from another?
Ziva: Maybe that friend felt it was the best thing for everyone.
Tony: Best for everyone or best for herself? (Ziva looks at him)
McGee: Her?
Tony: Or him

Tony: I don't speak Hebrew, but I'm pretty sure you just swore. What happened? Your Men of Mossad calendar get lost in the mail?…Women of Mossad calendar get lost in the mail?

Tony: Gibbs versus Fornell. It's like Frazier-Ali or Rocky versus…everyone

Tony: What are you McDoing, McGee?
McGee: Working on Kale's phone records.
Tony: Thought you already McDid that.

Tony: See that prefix right in front of your face? That is Boynton Beach,Florida, my friend.You know what they got there? Sun, sand, old people.

Tony: I like to get to the bottom of things.It's my specialty.

McGee: You lose something there, Tony?
Tony: Just my ability to snoop around Ziva's desk without anyone noticing anything.

Ziva: Then a car containing Azari and an associate pulled onto Atchison.
Tony: My ninja. I'm Azari.
Ziva: Why you?
Tony: Azari's got swagger, flair, panache.
Ziva: But I'm the assassin.
Tony: Style over substance.

Fornell: (to Gibbs) I haven't seen you with that look since I proposed to your ex-wife.

Tony: Nesiah tova.
Ziva: See you next week.

Ziva: You did not erase those photos did you? Admit it and I will spare you one of your eyes.
McGee: I did not erase those photos.

Ziva: Give me your hand.
Gibbs: Better than losing your eye McGee.

Tony: What do we got?
Gibbs: What do we got? We got a…that’s a good question DiNozzo.

Tony: “My mother isn’t quite herself today.”
(Ziva looks at him)
Tony: Psycho.
Ziva: You certainly have your moments.

Tony: Hmm looks like their night was ruined.
Ziva: I am going to ruin McGee’s whole year.
Tony: Don’t you think you’re being a little uptight about this photo thing?
Ziva: No, seriously what do you think he’s doing with it?
Tony: I would rather shave my eyeballs than contemplate that.

Tony: “Mother! Blood, blood.”
Ziva (to Gibbs): Psycho.
Gibbs: He has his moments.

Abby: Um Gibbs. Primitus Victor. It’s Latin. It means first victim.
Gibbs: Yeah, I know Abs.

McGee: Yeah two years ago he donated sperm.
Tony: Ah, the things people will do for money.
Ziva: You donated your sperm.
Tony: Didn’t do that for the money. Just to enrich the world. So Boss, I talked to security at Quantico.
(McGee makes upset sound.)
Tony: Oh sorry did I interrupt? Let’s see who boss likes better.
Gibbs: Ziva.

Tony: …but how do you drag a dead guy through two miles of water?
Gibbs: It was frozen.
Tony: No I was going to say a James Bond submersible sled from Thunderbolt, but frozen is good. Float him right in.

Tony: On your six boss. Hey you haven’t forgotten about that screen saver, Ziva?
Ziva: Actually I had. Thanks for reminding me.
Tony: What are friends for?

Tony: Everything okay boss? You seem kind of quiet (pause) -ter than usual.

Vance: Do I need to tell you Sec Nav is already breathing down my neck?
Gibbs: If it’ll make you feel better.
Vance: Sec Nav is already breathing down my neck.

Ziva: If you’re done I suggest we start with cause of death. Radiation poisoning.
Tony: Drowning.
McGee: Killer Nun.
(Ziva and Tony turn to stare at McGee)
Tony: Wow. Maybe we should try location.
Ziva: Some kind of bombing range.
Tony: Anchor-age-Alas-ka.
McGee: Convent.
Tony: Is that were they keep the killer nuns?
McGee: Look all I’m saying is some of the nuns I knew could get extremely agitated.
Gibbs: Tell me you’ve got something other than agitated nuns?

Tony: Nice girl. Wasn’t my type though.
Ziva: Really? She was breathing.
Tony: Ha! Well I have standards Ziva otherwise I’d be dating you.

Tony: It makes a coincidence and I don’t like coincidences.

(McGee falls flat on his face after trying to run through glue.)
McGee: Again with the glue?
Abby: Consider yourself lucky. It was either that or hydrochloric acid.

Tony: Jany-cam. That’s a new one.

Abby: I’ve never been this scared in my whole life. Except when my stalker ex tried to kill me and when my insane assistant Chip had me at knife point and when McGee’s crazy fan put a gun to my head that—
McGee: We got it Abs.

Vance: You must have really pissed somebody off.
Tony: It’s not a short list. Of people that…that you’ve angered just because you have rock solid principles and so it’s easy for people to misunderstand that and misconstrue…you know people don’t—
Vance: Why don’t you quit while you’re behind DiNozzo.
Tony: I’m trying.

Abby: I have two questions. This video is different from the others. Why?
Gibbs: Okay. What’s your other?
Abby: Can I stay with you tonight?

Ducky: This is a fascinating individual Jethro.
Gibbs: I can think of another word for it.
Ducky: Yeah crazy. The precise term is narcissistic personality disorder.
Gibbs: Oh yeah, well I’m familiar with that too.
Ducky: Yes, but where Agent DiNozzo has a obsessive need for admiration, he has empathy as well, something our killer lacks.

Abby: I'm so sorry Gibbs.
Gibbs: It's not your fault Abby.

McGee: Did you try both together?
(Realization dawns on Abby’s face)
Abby: You are God amongst men.

Tony: Ahh well that explains the savvy with the nose pick from hell.

Tony: Sears Tower, Chicago.
Gibbs: Moscow.
Ziva: Rio.
Tony: Death by jetlag?
Gibbs: The clue’s not the city. The clue is the snow.
McGee: I’m not a God among men, you are. I’ve got it. Now my CPU is too small.
Tony: I’m going to let that slide.

Ziva: We will go. If you were the intended victim this might just be a way to lure you out.
Gibbs: And it’s working.

Tony: Really wish you’d stayed in the car, Boss.
Gibbs: DiNnozzo would you shut up or I’m going to shoot you.

Killer: NCIS. I know I should have gone with the FBI. It’s a cliché, but look at what you get for trying something different.

Tommy: …but Tommy Doyle he’s going to be a household name by the 10 o’clock news.
News Caster: Authorities say the cybervid killer is in custody. However citing possible links to terrorism officials are not releasing his identity…
Tony: Yeah that’s gotta hurt. All that for a question mark

Ziva: Admit it and I will spare you one of your eyes.

Ziva: If you want someone dead, you knock on their door, they answer you shoot them. Easy.

Tony: Lies make my ear's itch.

Paul Harris: See, I don't need to rob a bank. I'm about to marry one.

Tony: Yeah, rule #13: Never ever involve lawyers. Things are bound to turn nasty.
Dwayne: I'll remember that.
Tony: You should. Gibbs has been divorced three times. He has seven rules that involve lawyers. None of them are very pretty. You don't need to know 'em all just #13. It's the umbrella rule.

Vance: Our agents should look more like McGee than they do DiNozzo.
Gibbs: More like you than like me.

McGee: (to Wilson while watching Tony in interrogation) Tony has his own style.Sort of Dirty Harry meets Keystone cop.

Agent Wilson: How's Gibbs to work for?
Tony: What have you heard? That bad guys would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed by a silver bullet, like a werewolf? They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. It might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him.

Ziva: What is this place?
Guard: It's classified.
Tony: Classified. What you got in there? Aliens? Big Foot? Arc of the covenant? (Guard looks impatient) That only leaves one thing…
Ziva and McGee: (in unison) Unicorn.


Guard: What is your clearance?
Tony: About 6 foot 1 and a half. Why you got low ceilings?

Tony: (In response to the guard asking how many trucks they had) Well you have already met Widow Woman (Ziva) and Spider Mike (McGee) here, Rubber Ducky (Ducky) makes it a great big convoy. Park it right there Love Machine (Palmer). We are going to be rocking through the night here Smokey (Guard).
Gibbs: DiNozzo, would rather not.
Tony: East bound and down Snowman (Gibbs) Bandit (Tony) out.

Ducky: As you’re so adept at reading my mind, what do I want now?
Palmer: (pauses as he studies Ducky's face, then says with British inflection) Privacy.

(Ducky asks Gibbs why he’s hanging out in autopsy)
Gibbs: Just killing time.
Ducky: Would you like me to perform an autopsy on your watch?

Tony: (referring to McGee) I think the freshman’s having a senior moment.

Gibbs: (to Tony and Ziva) Get in. Get the intel. Get out. Nobody gets hurt.

Tony: (To Ziva, in the elevator) It’s dinner theater for an audience of one. When's the curtain go down…

McGee: Stop acting weird.
Abby: I am weird!

Vance: Take Miss Sciuto into custody.

Tony: Didn't we get our fill of secret agendas and lying and manipulation during the previous administration?
Ziva: Look, I, too, had hoped things would be different by now.
Tony: I'd like to go up and give Vance a piece of my mind.
Ziva: The way you're losing it, I don't think you have enough to spare!
Tony: I'd take that toothpick of his and shove it up the SecNav's cigar.
Ziva: You have had enough of this job, then.
Tony: I like the job. I don't like the politics. Wasn't kidding about that part earlier.
Ziva: If you had ever had some military training, then maybe you would have learned to follow orders.
Tony: What, like you? We were given a direct order not to engage. I recall that you were the first one to throw a punch.
Ziva: It was a reflex!
Tony: Hmm. Really? Then what happened after? The last thing I remember before the lights went out was you Kimbo Slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?
Ziva: Yes! It was! Gunshot went off. I saw you — [long pause]
Tony: I'm tired of pretending.
Ziva: So am I.

Vance: I'm sorry to pull you out of it, sir. It was unavoidable.
Davenport: Oh, I love the Russians. Their cold, calculating approach to this business makes me feel positively sentimental in comparison. Do you have a light? [Gibbs lights his cigar. SecNav looks at Gibbs.]
Davenport: Gibbs, isn't it?

Davenport: When the vacancy was created at the top of your agency, you induced me to give you this post. The deal was simple: GET YOUR HOUSE IN ORDER!

Gibbs (to Lee as he grabs her arm): My show. My call. My car. Now.

Tony (to Lee): It’s a restricted area. You’re not invited.

Gibbs: Her rope got shorter.
Vance: Lucky she’s not hanging by it.

Tony: Maybe that’s the plan.
Ziva: What plan?
Tony: Exactly.

Tony: Don’t worry, McScout, we got our Mossad hunting dog. Bark once for yes. (Ziva growls)

Tony: How can you work with someone for three years and not know they have a kid?
Ziva: Just because you work with someone everyday does not mean you know everything about them.
Tony: Really then I shouldn't know about that tattoo on the inside of your…(Ziva cuts him off)
Ziva: I meant, I understand someone wanting to keep personal and professional lives separate. As should you. It did not end very well when you fell in love when you were undercover did it?
Tony: Thanks for the memory.

Ziva: Ready for a hike?
Tony: Can't we drive? (Ziva heads off through the woods) If we end up hanging off Lincoln's nose this is really gonna suck!

Tony: (who is lost in the woods with Ziva, speaking to McGee) McGPS, are we close to anything?

Tony: (referring to dead body) Looks like the help’s been fired.

Ziva: She was counting the days with her lunch. Brave girl.

Lee: What do you want me to say?
Tony: I don’t want you to say anything. Had enough of your lies.

Tony: (to Lee) Home. Now. Get your things.

Tony: You’re so naïve, McGullible.

(Tony wipes at McGee’s face)
McGee: What are you doing?
Tony: Removing the wool she’s pulled over your eyes.

Abby: Like the first time you put your feet in Jell-O weird.

Vance (in response to Abby wondering if he’s doing a Gibbs impression): No, I’m doing Vance.

Abby (to Vance): Well, women can be criminals too. Like Agent Lee.

Abby: Oh, Leon. (sees at Vance’s expression, looks chagrined) Too soon for the Leon?
Vance: Mmm-hmmm.

Tony (to Gibbs over the headset): Heads up, the Invisible Man is back.

Gibbs (to Lee): You should have come to me as soon as this happened. Before you murdered two men!

Vance (to McGee): You and Gibbs have just committed treason.

Tony (about Gibbs in bar during stakeout): Look at him. The man’s an artist.

Tony: What the hell is this?
Ziva: Computers.
Tony: (sarcastically) I’m glad you’re here.

Tony: (on phone, thinks he is talking to McGee) Hey, Probie, what I am looking at?
Vance: (has taken McGee’s phone from him) A career in the fast food industry.

Vance: Lee a hero or a villain?
Gibbs: Both.

Amanda: Thank you for helping me with my drawing Ziva.

Amanda: Where's Michie?

Tony: Sorry Ziva, we don't talk about Fight Club.

Tony: I smell road rage.
Ziva: And I smell Big Wong.

Tony: What did Shmeul Rubenstein do to deserve the wrath of Ziva?
Ziva: He said he liked me.
Tony: *shocked*

Tony: Uh… follow the blood trail. (Ziva goes off through trees) Wait for me, Pocahontas
.
(Tony is taking his picture on his computer)
McGee: I'm not even going to ask.
Ziva: Allow me. (to Tony) What are you doing, Tony?
Tony: Best deep in thought face
Ziva: I guess there's a first time for everything.
Tony: Nailed it. All right, Strawdog24. Beat this one. Yeah, baby.
McGee: (reading the website name) Ibeatyou.com. The place to compete online with anyone at anything.
Tony: Yeah. It's very fun. Very addictive. Look at this guy. Best air guitar. Look at that guy. Best 'do the Hustle'. (McGee goes back to his desk) I mean, you name it, they got it.
Ziva: The Hustle?
Tony: The Hustle.Satuday Night Fever? Travolta. (mimics dancing)
Ziva: What is the point?
Tony: What is the point of any dance? It's about letting loose. It's, you know, having a good time.
Ziva: I meant the web site, Tony.
Tony: It's… fun. It is… amusement. Light-hearted pleasure.
Ziva: I know what you're doing. I know how to have fun, Tony.
Tony: Really? Do tell.
Ziva: The Hustling and the deep thinking photos. Those are all just, you know, Child's play. Tell him, McGee. (they both look over when McGee doesn't answer)
Ziva: McGee? (McGee is making a weird face)
McGee: Uh, I'm just working on my best psycho face here.
Tony: It's not bad, Probie. Just need to work a little bit more with the eyebrow. See what I'm saying? (helps him perfect his face) See how that reads? See that?
McGee: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
: That's what you want.
Gibbs: (entering) Would you two like some time alone together?
McGee: Uh, no, boss.We were just…..
Ziva: Acting like children.
Tony: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Ziva: She pretty?
Tony: Gorgeous. She was perfect, okay? Witty, smart… That was twelve years ago. She’s had two kids, God knows what she looks like now.
Ziva: So… What happened? Tony doesn’t answer but continues staring out the window.
Ziva: You ever, um, regret not having a wife and kids, especially during this time of year? Hanukah is all about family. Is it not the same with Christmas?
Tony: I’m gonna go check out the guy in the blue hoodie.
Ziva: It is a woman!

(Gibbs makes a phone call)
Jackson Gibbs: Hello?
Gibbs: Merry Christmas, Dad.
Jackson Gibbs: Merry Christmas, Son.

Quinn: (Gibbs has driven Quinn to his daughters house) To much time has passed.
Gibbs: If I one wish for Christmas Day, it would be to hug my daughter. That can never be. But you have that chance.
Quinn: Thank you.
Abby: I don't know what to get anybody. What do you think Tony needs?
Gibbs: An attitude adjustment.
Abby: Gibbs, you're not helping.

Ziva: There is no doubt in my mind you will get that confession, McGee.
McGee: Thank you, Ziva. (leaves)
Tony: He's toast, isn't he?
Ziva: Oh, yes. Burnt toast.

(Tony and Ziva walk into Abby's lab)
Abby: They haven't hurt McGee, have they?
Ziva: We have not heard anything.
Tony: (holds evidence box) Got something for ya, from the department… now we need to clear this stuff by sunset.
Abby: Define 'before sunset'!
Tony: Before the sun goes down. (Abby grabs the box and heads to table)
Abby: The sun sets at around 5:02. So, does that mean we have until five oh one?
Ziva: Before… sunset.
Abby: That could be now. Not good enough! I can't take this. Every time you guys go out, and.. I don't know if you're gonna make it back…and, developing this weird little, twitch….
Ziva: Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.
Abby: Then get a safer job.
Tony: Then you wouldn't see us at all…
Abby: True. Still… sucks!

McGee: What?
Tony: It's just, you gotta have the stuff, be tough, know when to bluff.
McGee: So, I have to be a really bad poet?
Tony: I call my style 'Tough-Bluff'. It's hyphenated.
McGee: Really? 'Blow Hard' seems more appropriate. That is not hyphenated.

Tony: I'm guessing that you got more than your fair share of wedgies as a kid.
McGee: I can be tough when I have to be. (Tony and Ziva give him a look) What?
Ziva: Nothing. I mean, you do have your… strengths.
Tony: And weaknesses, but remember that people can be loved as much for their weaknesses as for their strengths.
Gibbs: Well, then DiNozzo, you must be one very loved man.
Tony: Thank you for noticing, boss.

Ziva: She was not smiling at you Tony.
Tony: Ziva, some men can hit a baseball at 400 feet, other build rocket ships that sail to the stars; I can spot a woman's smile at 20 yards.
Ziva: Her name is Hannah and she's asked me out to lunch twice.
Tony: You?!
Ziva: Did your rocket ship just take a nosedive?
Tony: No it just landed on a different planet.

McGee: First thing- I'm going to have to find the murder weapon. I'm going to have to frisk you.
Woman Convict: Frisk who?
McGee: All of you. Who wants to be first?

Ziva: Get anything?
Tony: Yeah. An offer. Maybe his tech advisor on his next film. It's about a psycho sex-crazed cop.
McGee: LIfe and Times of Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo.

Ducky: (Examining a body) Cuts across the upper torso. He's been stabbed multiple times. (Ducky looks at a hand of the body) He's missing a middle finger. Appears to be sawed off.
Gibbs: The other hand too, Duck.
Ducky: [Ducky looks at the other hand) Anything else you care to tell me about this fellow, Jethro?
Gibbs: Dead 11 years.
Ducky: And?
Gibbs: And I know who did it.

Gibbs: [after getting a call] Maryland's Women's Prison! Let's go.
Abby Wait! That's where McGee is. Is everything okay?
[Gibbs stares at her]
Abby: Everything's not okay.
[Gibbs moves past her]
Abby: Wait! What happened? Gibbs!
Gibbs:[Gibbs goes back to Abby] Abby, I'll call you. All right?

McGee: Well, you seemed to have taken responsibility for you crimes.
Judy: It's a mixed blessing. First few years here, I was angry at everybody. Blamed the world for my crappy childhood. Then I got in a Prison Program, training seeing-eye dogs. One day I'm training this puppy, and it hits me. I killed an innocent person who didn't do any harm… Now I can't wait until the day I die. So I can find that soul and apologize for the terrible thing I did… Look I don't know if Celia did what they say. But if she did, I don't know what it'll take for her to face up to it.

McGee: (seeing a package on his desk) Oh, goody, they're here!
Tony: Goody? Who says goody?!
Ziva: What is it?
McGee: (pulling out an old computer) This is my Mac SE. Got it for my eleventh birthday. She's my first!
Tony: This is going to get really strange, isn't it?
Ziva: Going to?

Gibbs: Mr. Kort, Agency's keeping you local?
Kort: Travel is touchy at the moment. I've made a few enemies overseas.
Gibbs: What? With your winning personality?
Kort: When you finally open that charm school, let me know.

Gibbs: I need a favor.
Kort: Gibbs, I don't like you.
Gibbs: That's okay, I don't like you either.

McGee: Why are you talking so fast?
Tony: Want to get a plan of attack together because according to my internal Gibbs clock, he's about to walk through that door right… Now!… Now!…
(Looks around for Gibbs)
Tony: Huh?
Ziva: Somebody's clock is off.

Gibbs: Are you going to make me ask again?
Ducky: I suppose it's inevitable. When we've reached the tipping point when your curiosity outweighs your courtesy.
Gibbs: What the h***'s wrong with you Ducky? Your life is in the balance here! Huh? What did you do there?
Ducky: Only what was required of me.
Gibbs: Are you protecting this guy?
Ducky: I am protecting no one Jethro. Look if you intend to unravel strings further on this matter, I would prefer you leave them unpulled.
Gibbs: No.

(Tony and Ziva are argueing on their phones at the same time)
Tony: I already rebooted the system, Frank! Twice!
Ziva: Four hours! That is how long I waited for the cable repair man!
Tony: You've already said that sentence!
Ziva: Four hours!
Tony: No, I will not reboot again! I will never reboot it again!
Ziva: Reschedual? So you can waste another Saturday?!
Tony: Just admit that you have no idea how to fix the problem and then we can both get on with our lives!
Tony/Ziva: (both slaming their phones down) Ugh!
Ziva: Someon will die today.

Ziva: It is nice when a couple has so much in common.Like McGee and his new sorceress friend.
Tony: Oh, yeah, I was gonna talk to you about that.It's kinda funny actually.Uh, lets see, how do I put this delicatly? Um, she……she's not real.
Ziva: You did not.
Tony: I did.I was bored, it was late, I just watched Weird Science.Next thing I knew I was building a fake online profile and IMing with McGee.
Ziva: He really likers her, Tony.You have to tell him.
Tony: I know.It's actullay kinda flattering in a creepy way.
Ziva: What's you think would happen?
Tony: I didn't know.The flaw in the plan was the plan.But I got another plan to end it.
Ziva: Which is?
Tony: You ever Fatal Attraction?

Tony: Speaking of love, how's the cyber romance going, McGee?
McGee: Couldn't be worse.She sent me another email, says she's getting back together with her ex boyfriend.
Tony: Oh.
McGee: Tell you what though, I'm not givin' up on her. (Tony looks at him) No, we got to much in common.I think she might be scared, but you know what, we can work through it.I'm tellin' ya' I think this girl might really be the one.
(Tony and McGee both reach for the last piece of pizza)
Tony: Take it.
McGee: Really?
Tony: Sure.
McGee: Thanks.Hey, listen, I hate to ask……
Tony: Sure, I remember.Forty dollars with interest.Sorry I took so long. (gives him the money and starts to leave) Alright, see you guys later.
Ziva: I didn't tell you so you could torture him, McGee. (he gives her part of the money) Very well.

Gibbs: What do you got Abs?
Abby: 1989's Christmas nightmare for every parent.The unattainable….
Gibbs: Beary Smyles.
Abby: My dad waited in line two hours for one on Black Friday.
Gibbs: Six……Christmas Eve.

Tony: It's like I said 'It's always the maid.'
Ziva: No. You have said 'It's always the janitor, or the butler, or anyone assigned to Abby's lab' But you have never once said 'maid'. Tony: Anyone ever tell you your memory can be a real buzzkill.

Gibbs: Who found the body?
LEO: A couple of kids in one of our warming huts, or as they like to call them–
Tony: Love shacks.
LEO: Yeah, how'd you know?
Tony: Lucky guess.
LEO: (sarcastically) Mmmh Mmmmh.

Tony: The sadness I hear when you talk like this. You don't know who these people are. It could be a 45 year-old overweight man in Minnesota. I mean like you said, you two haven't even met yet.
McGee: What part of 'Level 5 sorceress' don't you understand?
Gibbs: (Entering) All of it.

Tony: All right! One more time and I'm going to rip that Bear's head off!… AGAIN!
Beary Smiles: Gear up DiNozzo. Got a body in Quantico.
Tony: Don't mess with me!

Tony: Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.
Ziva: You need a secretary.
McGee: Or a therapist.
Gibbs: Or both!

Ducky: You've never left the scene of a crime before I arrived until this case, Jethro.
Gibbs: Yeah, had something else to do.
Ducky: Something to do with your Marine Corp Service number?
Vance: (enters) I was wondering the same thing myself… You're avoiding me.
Gibbs: I've been busy solving a murder, Leon. When I have something you'll be the first to know.

Gibbs: I've got nothing to hide, Leon.
Vance: Everybody's got something to hide!

Franks: Let me talk to that kid, I'll get him to tell us what the h***'s going on here.
Gibbs: I'm afraid I can't do that, Mike. I let him go.
Franks: You what?
Gibbs: You wanna find something, you follow it. Learned that one from you.

Gibbs: It'll lead us to the truth.
Franks: (he scoffs) The truth.
Gibbs: Yeah! Which you should have told me seventeen years ago!

Vance: You just shot somebody Franks!
Franks: Yeah, all by the book Leon. Retired Agent involved shooting. That's still a form KJ-65, right? Nice talking to you Leon. (ends the call)

Abby: about Gibbs' service number being found at the crime scene) That's like shining the Bat-symbol and Batman showing up.

Tony: (about Gibbs) So he's down in Columbia, in Bogota, he saves President Clinton's life, but no one can talk about it because it's super-secret.
McGee: Clinton did not serve until '93.
Ziva: Stop obsessing!
Tony: I'm not obsessing. I'm a little preoccupied. I'm a tad fascinated by the whole subject, but I am not obsessing … What was he doing in Columbia 17 years ago?

McGee: We've got two embezlors.One of them trahsed, litteraly.Why?
Ziva: Maybe his parter got greedy and wanted all the money.
McGee: But the theft was three years ago.What took them so long?
Ziva: Well…….
Gibbs: Maybe he got scared.Found out his partner was going to meet the federal agent from the orinal case.It wasn't DiNozzo, but the killer didn't know that.So if I'm him, I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a federal agent.Maybe he's gonna flip on me.Can't if he's dead.There's your motive.We just need our killer.
Tony: (walking in) We may have found him.Abby just matched a print fom Renny's hotel room to one of his former co-workers.Carl Davis.
Gibbs: Gear up! (notices McGee and Ziva staring at him) What?
McGee: Nothing, it's just we've never heard you talk so much in a day, Boss.
Ziva: Or in a week!
Gibbs: Wasn't my job before.

Tony: McGee…
McGee: What?
Tony: Victim's background, credit cards, bank statement. Gibbs, take a look at Renny's appeal, use it to catch yourself up on the original embezzlement case. Then work with McGee.
Gibbs: On it, Boss.
Ziva: [to Gibbs] Are you going back to Mexico?
Gibbs: No.
McGee: Rule number 38?
Gibbs: Mmm-hmm.

Tony: The burning Bed. 1984 Farrah Fawcett.
Gibbs: Torched her husband while he was sleeping. Second wife's favorite movie.
Tony: Maybe Commander Davis's wife is going for a sequel.
McGee: [he enters] H*** hath no fury…
Gibbs: Like a woman scorned. Third wife's favorite quote.

McGee: [Reading a note] 'Paid a Private Investigator to follow my wife. Just thought you should know what he found.'
Tony: The other husband how kind of him. What did they say?
Gibbs: Misery loves company.
Tony: Where did you get that? Your fourth wife?

Gibbs: Problems?
Tony: No, everything's peachy.Nothing I like more than putting an inoccent man in prison except of course, for getting him killed.
Gibbs: Hmm, Renny's dead? I hadn't heard that.
Tony: Save the pep talk, we both know I screwed up.
Gibbs: Yeah, three years ago….But now you're making it right….And me proud… You've been doing….a hell of a job, Anthony. Until about three minutes ago. Get your head on right.
Tony: What would you like me to do?
Gibbs: Trust your gut.
Tony: I think I'd rather trust yours right now.
Gibbs: [getting in Tony's face] Then give me my d*** phone back!
(they stare at each other a moment and Abby walks up)
Abby: Hope i'm not interupting anything and if i am I hope someone's gonna tell me about it.
(Tony and Gibbs stare at each other another moment) Tony: Watch'a got Abs?
(Gibbs gives him a proud grin)
Gibbs: (walking away) Checkin the road blocks, boss.

(About Tony interogation a suspect)
McGee: Betcha five bucks, Tony does the chair toss technique.
Ziva: Mm, ten he switches to strong silent.
Gibbs: Nah, twenty he's gonna do the picutre tear.

Tony: Three years ago when you took your Mexican sabbatical… intermission? It was a hiatus really.

Tony: Hey! Talk to me Abs. Here you go. (hands her a Caf-Pow)
Abby: Thank you, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby.
Abby: I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby.
Abby: The room was luckily really clean. Because you know hotel rooms can be a forensic scientist's biggest nightmare, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby! I'm not Gibbs.
Abby: Yes you are. Because if you're not there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita sprained her ankle in the sixth frame and Mr. Giggles escaping…
Tony: Mr. Giggles?
Abby: Stay on topic, Gibbs.
Tony: I'm not Gibbs!
Abby: Ok. Tell me. I can take it.
Tony: He's just upstairs.
Abby: Wait! No I can't.
Tony: Rule thirty-eight.
Abby: Oh!

Abby: I am cooking up some awesomeness.
Tony: Awesome me!

McGee: Who'd wanna impersonate Tony?
Ziva: Perhaps Jack Nicholson. You know, impersonation revenge?
McGee: Or it's a frame-up.
Ziva: Jeanne Benoit?
McGee: Overseas. Maybe it was Trent Kort.
Ziva: Are you detecting a trend here?
McGee: Tony does have a way with people.

Tony: Don't believe the word he says. We've got motive, we've got opportunity.
Gibbs: Ahah.
Tony: I know. Why'd he come back?
Gibbs: It's a good question… Boss.
Tony: Boss?!
Gibbs: Was your case, wasn't it?
Tony: Yeah. You're not going back to Mexico, are you?
Gibbs: Your case, your lead.
Tony: Really?
Gibbs: Yeah. I think it's even a rule.

Tony: Well, that's my name, it's not my signature. But that's my name. And to think I almost made entire year without being accused of murder.
Desk Clerk: The guy did look a lot like you.
Tony: Not helping.
Desk Clerk: Was a little more fit though.

Cop: Special Agent Gibbs. Got a woman who insists on talking to you. Claims she's with NCIS. Real weirdo, wearing a Dracula cape and a dog collar. (chuckles slightly) Like she'd be with you.
(Gibbs looks over and sees Abby)
Gibbs: She is.
Cop: You serious?
Gibbs: Oh yeah, let her in.

Tony: Why don't we take the four-wheeler? You know, the rental.
Boyd: You can't get up there in a vehicle. Only way is horses.
Tony: (to Gibbs) Why don't we requisition a helicopter… Or not. If the government spent that kind of money every time we interviewed somebody, they'd go broke.
Boyd: The government is broke.

Ziva: You did not change when your books made you plush.
McGee: Flush. Thanks Ziva. But it really wasn't that much. Bought my car, bought some clothes. What was leftover I put in a hedge fund which just crashed.
Ziva: Sorry. So that is why you have been so distracted lately.
McGee: It shows, huh?

McGee: Boss, we got a problem. Barthomew Leming from OHS is here.
Gibbs: What's the problem?
McGee: It's the real Barthomew Lemming. The guy we've been dealing with is an imposter.

Abby: It's a bird feather, there were some stuck in his belt buckle as well. Maybe it got lodged when he was in the water. (shrugs shoulders)
Palmer: It's not likely he was shot by a bird.

Ziva: You can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.
Tony: You're never making me breakfast.

Gibbs: Abs, what do you got?
Abby: I am not at liberty to discuss the details of Director Vance's case with you. And I would certainly hope that you wouldn't try to bribe me.
Gibbs: I wouldn't do that.
Abby: Because I can't say a word about the five slugs that Ducky pulled out of Owens' body. Not that there's a word to say, 'cause I don't even know of these .45 cal S&Ws are a match to the weapon that was found in the deceased's pocket. Not that I would tell you if they are. I'm assuming that your curiosity is for educational purposes. After Ducky does the autopsy we should be able to calculate how long the accumulated post mortem gases took to counteract the weight that kept Owens submerged.

Tony: (standing up on desk, yelling) Excuse me! K listen up everybody, I need your full attention here. Lenny, Squiggy, Q-Tip, Q-Bert, Bungo Straight, Vertical Bill, can you hear me back there? Oh hi Natalie, hi. You look very nice today. (resumes yelling) I have lost my wallet. So, if you've seen it, please return it to me. There will be no judgment, maybe even a small reward.
(everyone goes back to work and Tony sees Gibbs standing next to his desk)
Tony: Hi boss, I lost my….You're going to say mind or marbles…
Gibbs: Job.

Gibbs: (in sign language) "Full background check".
Abby: (in sign language) "For you, anything".
Gibbs: (in sign language) "I love you".

Tony:Oh we're taking tips from Trent Kort.Why don't we just run with scissors or talk to strangers maybe they have some candy
Trent:Go to hell DiNozzo
Tony:Feels like we're half way there.

Trent: Status on the Borealis.
Tony: It's a boat and it's missing.Status on you is you're really irrating I wish you were missing.

Perey: Any word on my immunity?
Tony: Well, I hear zinc lozenges help. You might want to try vitamin C or echinacea. OH, you mean YOUR immunity? No!

Tony: Maybe he had an appointment: doctor, dentist. Check his calendar McGee
McGee: …No. Soon as I start going through his stuff, he's gonna walk in a catch me. Forget it!
Ziva: I cannot believe it. I'll do it!
(Starts to go to Gibbs's desk, then pauses)
Ziva: Tony, watch the elevator. McGee the stairs. Now!

Tony: (about to track Gibbs's cellphone) Where is he?
McGee: Forget it he's gonna know.
Tony: How would he?
McGee: Because he knows everything.
Ziva: McGee do it. We need to know he's okay.
(McGee starts the search and DiNozzo's phone rings)
McGee: Two block area of Anacostia.
Tony: (Checking the caller ID on his phone) It's him.
McGee: We're dead.

Kort: Keep me on a short leash Gibbs?
Gibbs: Yeah, and a muzzle if I have to.
Kort: I thought we turned a corner in our relationship. You asked me for something, I asked you for something.
Gibbs: I didn't ask you turn up dirt on Vance.
Kort: But you read the file anyway.
Gibbs: No. I don't waste time on fiction.

Tony: (Hitmen have arrived) We gotta go?
Ziva: We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.
Perry: What's she gonna do?
Tony: You know, I don't really know.

Gibbs: Bank robberies from bad guys. Is that how the CIA finances their operations?
Kort: I'm just trying to get back in the starting line up.
Gibbs: It's possible you're more dangerous behind a desk.

Gibbs: You would've done things differently, Leon?
Vance: I would. I do…But in the last two minutes, you gotta let your quarterback call the plays. Nice win.

Tony: (to Ziva about Perry) I'm gonna kill this guy before Siravo does.

Abby: (discussing what is on a suspect's laptop) He was a killer gamer though! And he plays a boat load of sims. (looks at Gibbs) Translation video games. The rest is mostly spreadsheets, bank accounts, and porn. Spreadsheets and porn, that's two totally different things.
Gibbs: Yeah, I already know that.
Abby: Ok, I was just checking.

Abby: This is Caf-Pow country but yet there's no Caf-Pow anywhere.

Abby: (looking at a video game) Captains of Industry 3. The completely unnecessary third installment of the not so popular sequel.
McGee: (sarcastically) Capturing all the fun of being a corporate CEO and building your own business empire.
Abby: Not playtime, Elf Lord.
McGee: You got that right. COI3 was universally panned as '08's worst MMORPG.
Abby: It sucks! So why was Perry spending up to 7 hours a day playing it online.
McGee: He sucks.

Kort: Gibbs, what motivation would I ever have to mislead you? (Gibbs gives him a look) I respect that you're suspicious, caution is an asset in our line of work. Trust is elusive, at best.
Gibbs: No it's not, not between us- it's impossible. But I honor my debts.

(McGee walks into bullpen)
Tony: Oh, glad you could join us McTardy.
McGee: Where's the bossman? I need a superior to sign off on this.
Tony: Hand it over, I'm clearly superior to you in so many ways.

McGee: Don't tell me she needs a root canal.
Gibbs: No.Fornell just calle.Abby's been…..reqested.
Tony: Requested?
Ziva: By…..?
Gibbs: He didn't know.He just said the FBI had orders to transport her.
McGee: Okay, I can access the FBI's operation's database.
Ziva: I have a contact in DOD.
Tony: BOLO on the FBI transport?
Gibbs: I don't know, I though maybe I'd just try calling her first.

Abby: Oh, I got Palmer's text about the vampire bite.I can't believe I'm not going to be there for that.Who are you going to get to fill in? Gibbs: Working on it.
Abby: Well, if you need anything before then, I keep a step-by-step Abby's Lab for Dummies in my desk.It covers the basics.A monkey could follow the instructions.
Gibbs: (looking at Tony) Good.Cause we got one of those.

Gibbs: That invitation extend to me too, Duck?
Ducky: Since when have you waited for an invitation? Don't answer that.I know you like to keep people on their toes.

Tony: (nodding to McGee) He'll clean it up.
McGee: We'll clean it up.
Palmer: They'll clean it up.
Abby: You'll all clean it up.

Jones: Agent Gibbs, I appreciate your concern for my missing colleague, but that's exactly why Miss Scutio has to stay here right now.You have to trust me on that.
Gibbs: I don't trust you.I don't know you!
Jones: I sympathsize with your position….
Gibbs: It's your choice, you either tell me what's going on or……
Jones: Or what? You'll threaten me?
Gibbs: Well, you know what? That depends.You consider a public investigation a threat?

Gibbs: Didn't build it to kill someone.
Tony: He built it to sell it.
Abby: Perfect.Hi, I'm Abby Scutio, international bioweapons dealer.

Ducky: ( to a body about Abby) You messed with the wrong forensic scientist.

Ziva: This is nice. Be able to work without Tony's incessant babbling. It's almost as if he cannot go on for more than 30 seconds without hearing the sound of his own voice. You know the truly amazing thing is that he fails to realize just how irritating he is to those around him.
Gibbs: Ziva.
Ziva: Yes, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Babbling.
Ziva: Oh.

Gibbs: Abby. Abs, are you okay?
Abby: Do I look okay? What is Abby's rule #1? Do not lie to Abby!
Abby: Aren't you going to give me a pep talk?
Gibbs: No.
Abby: Why?
Gibbs: Because you're p*****. And you should be.

Abby (to Major King): You look pretty good for a dead guy, except for the blood draining from your face.

Ziva: Tony, do you have to do that now?
Tony: It's spring. I'm spring-cleaning, so….yes!
Ziva: Spring-cleaning?
McGee: You don't have spring-cleaning in Isreal?
Ziva: We do not have spring. Israel is a desert.

Tony: Long distance can be hard. Tell a friend from Tel-Aviv?
Ziva: You're jealous.
Tony: I'm not jealous.
Ziva: Yes you are.
Tony: No I'm not, and I'm not arguing, boss.
McGee: Are to!
Tony: Am not!

Abby: Are you going somewhere?
Gibbs: Yeah. That's what I came down here to tell you. Los Angeles.
Abby: Into the lionesses den?!
Gibbs: (kisses her cheek) I'm taking McGee.
Abby: Gibbs. It's just last time you guys went to L.A. one of you didn't come back.
Gibbs: I'll bring him home, Abs. (leaves)
Abby: Just make sure you bring yourself back, too.

Vance: (Over an MTAC feed) You tell Gibbs to call me when he arrives.
Macy: You can tell him yourself.
(Gibbs enters)
Vance: Gibbs.
Gibbs: Hello Director Vance.
Vance: I know how excited you two are about working together. I told Sec Nav I have my best people on this case. A lot of nervous people at the Pentagon. Don't make me come out there.

Nate: (about Gibbs) You should have slept with him way back then. Whenever then was. I was probably in Elementary School, yeah.
Macy: How do you know I didn't?
Nate: I can tell you right now…
Macy: Don't answer that!
Nate: Okay. Cool.
Macy: You scare me.
Nate: Yep.
Macy: Leave.

Callen: Is there a reason we're not meeting in a bar right now?
Gibbs: Well yeah, it's 10 o'clock in the morning.
Callen: I don't know what's worse: getting older or getting wiser.

Macy: Why do you want to know?
Callen: Just looking out for my family
Macy: G, you don't have any family.
Callen: That's cold, Mace.
Macy: But true.
Callen: Gibbs is family… You too.

Callen: I'll just ask Gibbs about what happened.
Macy: Yeah, let me know if you do… I want to be there to see him sit you on your a**.

McGee: (about the tech equipment) Oh I really got to get one of these.
Sam:…You got problems.

Tony: Are we fighting?
Ziva: If we were you would be on the floor bleeding.
Tony: Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome.

Macy: Officer David was sent back to Israel last year.
Gibbs: Are you asking me do I trust her? Because the answer is yes, with my life.
Nate: You worked a case together?
Macy: You could say that. It was a JAG-man investigation. A murder. I was the lead investigator.
Nate: And Gibbs?
Macy: Gibbs was the suspect.

Eric: Every phone call, credit card transaction, internet search, all swallowed up and stored on hard drives so people can troll them for personal information.
McGee: You mean like we're doing now?
Eric: Yeah, that's okay cause we work for the government. Got a National Security letter to prove it.

Macy: Where the h*** are you going?
Gibbs: I'll let you know when I get there.

Rivken: We fight the same fight. Only ours began at Auswitz.I have 6six million uniforms. Every one is different.
Gibbs: I got one.
(Rivki goes to his car)
Gibbs: Ziva David. She works for me.
Rivken: Shalom.

McGee: So what did Fornell and Gibbs have to say?
Yates: They were just apologizing for implying that I might be a murder.
McGee: You're kidding? They were?
Yates: Yes.
McGee: Both of them?
Yates: That so shocking?
McGee: Well, uh, you know, might take a—a while to fully grasp the significance of that.
Yates: Okay, explain it to me.I've got no plans.
McGee: All right.Did Gibbs actully say the words 'I'm sorry'?

Davenport: You and Leon gotta play nice.
Gibbs: You ordering me to trust him?
Davenport: Just to follow him…We don't hit our brothers.

Abby: The bug stomp. Classic movie move. Sounds like a Tony.
McGee: Nah. It was a Jules.
Abby: A Jules? What is a Jules? I'm going to have a word with this Jules if we ever have the good fortune of meeting.
McGee: I'd like to be here for that.

Gibbs: 'Intelligence summit?'
Fornell: Seems like a classic contradiction in terms. Don't give me the look. I didn't know.
Gibbs: You had suspicions?
Fornell: Because you had suspicions. I'm riding shotgun here, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Mind if I borrow it?
Fornell: Go easy, Hoss. She was just doing what she was told.

Abby: You probably know some kind of… martial arts or something, huh?
Yates: When I was in High School, my mother was the ambassador to Bangkok. I fell in love with Muay Thai.
Abby: So if I tried to scratch you eyes out… you could probably break my fingers.
Yates: That would be a mistake. You need your fingers to fix the bug.
Abby: (she walks away, and says quietly to McGee) And in my own lab.

(Tony is watching Ziva leave)
Gibbs: Rule number eleven, DiNozzo.
Tony: I would never date a coworker, Boss. Trust me. I mean, why would you even… (sees Gibbs smirking) That's twelve. Eleven… when the job is done, walk away.

Tony: Ladies and Gentlemen, the amazing Dr Donald 'Ducky' Mallard. The first and only M.E. under the big top.

Ziva: This is turning into a circus.
(FBI arrives)
Tony: Here come the clowns.

Gibbs: [Gibbs and Fornell barging unannounced into Leon's office.] We need to know what they were discussing.
Vance: Please come right in.
Fornell: It's crucial to the investigation.
Davenport: Suppose it goes to motive.
Gibbs: [Quickly turning around, sees SecNav.] Yes it does, Mr. Secretary.

Gibbs: NCIS wasn't represented.
Davenport: I was there.

Davenport: [After Gibbs hands Davenport Leon Vance's unopened CIA file previously given to Gibbs by Trent Kort]. Well, let's see what the CIA's got on Leon Vance … I thought we shredded all these. [Quick shot of the same page that Leon shredded from his own file at the end of last season.]
Davenport: How does this thing keep finding its way into the open? It's not even real. Lucky you didn't read this. Wouldn't give you the whole picture anyway.
Gibbs: And you will?

Davenport: Yeah, I know. Since Director Shepard's death, you've been concerned with the danger of having the wrong person at the top. Well you're not alone. You're not the only one looking out for the integrity of NCIS. Leon's going to be point man in a major operation.

Abby: And that's not all, Gibbs. We were able to decrypt Rivkin's email accounts. Which was only half the battle, because it was in Hebrew. And Hebrew is hard.

Eli: With traffic I wasn't expecting you for another hour.
Ziva: I drove.
Eli: Enough said.

Eli: Agent DiNozzo, my sincere apologies for your wait.
Tony: It's okay.I dig hanging out in concrete bunkers, especially after twelve-hour plane rides in cramped quarters.
Eli: Your sarcasim is noted.
Tony: So's your shirt. Nice style. What is that? Zenya? Kavalli? Got good taste.
Eli: I'm not certain how my apparel applies to your visit.
Tony: And I'm not really certain how you can classify my visit (pause) as a visit. All right, just so we understand, this is what I do for a living. I interrogate people all day long, so I know all the tricks of the trade and nothing you do is going to intimidate me.
Eli: Interrogate? This is an assembly room. It's a place for mutual discussion. You have yet to see our interrogation room. But if you continue with your childish arrogance, I promise you, you will.
(Cut to Vance and Gibbs watching them in another room — live feed on a TV screen)
Vance: How many times did I tell DiNozzo to leave his smart a** attitude back in DC!
Gibbs: You shoulda checked his bags.
Vance: I thought you said your boy was up to this.
Gibbs: You're the one who threw him to the wolves, Leon. Let him find his own way.
Vance: You call this a fight, he better start showing me something!
Gibbs: Take him off the team, he already has.
(Cut back to Eli and Tony)
Eli: Oh, Agent DiNozzo, what you need to understand is that I am very aware of who you are. Your achievements … and your misjudgments.
Tony: Okay, stop right there. If this is about my Twitter page, I just wanna clarify I had a couple of cocktails and, what can I say? Sometimes I get a little chatty.
Eli: Do you know who I am?
Tony: You're the Director of Mossad — and Ziva's father. Although, I'm not sure which one's asking the questions.
Eli: Sometimes it is hard to separate. And it appears you have had difficulty separating your work from your emotions as well. You believed Officer Rivken was bad?
Tony: He killed an American agent.
Eli: An accident. Unlike his death, which was intentional. But what was behind that intent? Retribution for an agent you had never even met? You knew that Officer Rivken would be at Ziva's apartment. You went there to confront him. To provoke. And once again you blurred the lines, Agent DiNozzo, between your professional duty and your personal desires. You wanted Rivken out of my daughter's life, so you killed him. Isn't that the truth, Agent DiNozzo?
Tony: It's like I told you, Director. I went to Officer David's apartment at which time Officer Rivken attacked me. It was kill or be killed.
Eli: If that were true, my friend, you would be dead.
Tony: You wouldn't mind that would you? You send all your rogue agents to DC? Make it our mess? Huh? I guess I shouldn't be surprised about Rivken considering you did the same thing with Ari. And he was your son. Speaking of family, what kind of father would throw an out-of-control assassin at his own daughter? What kind of business are you running here? Everyone just runs around doing whatever they want?
Eli: (grabs Tony by the throat) They do as I say!
Tony: Rivken?
Eli: Always!
(Tony looks at the camera with a 'didn't I tell you?' look) (Cut back to Gibbs and Vance)
Vance: Well, I'll be d*****.
(Gibbs gives him an 'I told you so' look)