The One Where Ross Finds Out
Originally written by Michael Borkow
Transcribed by Josh Hodge
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is sitting at the
couches, Chandler enters]
CHANDLER: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there
something. . . repellant. . . about me?
RACHEL: So, how was the party.
CHANDLER: Well it couldn't have been worse, a woman literally passed
through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive.
PHOEBE: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go
through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little
weight, I start questioning everyting.
CHANDLER: Woah, woah, I've put on a little wieght?
PHOEBE: No, not wieght, ya know, more like insulation.
MONICA: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya
wanna work out? I can remake you.
CHANDLER: Oh, you know, I would but that might get in the way of my
lying around time.
MONICA: Please.
ALL: C'mon. Let her. Yeah.
CHANDLER: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs
are bigger than yours, I'm goin, home.
PHOEBE: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything.
Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart
behind his back] Oh, can't make hands meet.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Chandler comes out wearing
spandex, jogging in place.]
CHANDLER: OK, let's do it. [Monica looks at him funny] What?
MONICA: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before.
CHANDLER: And we're changing. [jogs back in his apartment]
[Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is
lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica
behind]
[Back in Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is doing situps.]
MONICA: C'mon give me five more. Five more.
CHANDLER: No.
MONICA: Five more and I'll flash you.
CHANDLER: One. . . Two. . . Two and a half. OK, just show me one of
them.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
CHANDLER: [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
[Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She's
insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after
work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at
my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore.
[Phoebe enters]
RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night?
PHOEBE: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt, ordered
champange, nice.
JOEY: The guy still won't put out, huh?
PHOEBE: Nope, zilch, nothin', uh-uh.
ALL: Sorry Phoebs.
PHOEBE: Look, I, ya know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a
lot, ya know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and
why won't he give it up?
JOEY: Maybe he, uhh, drives his car on the other side of the road, if
ya know what I mean.
PHOEBE: No, whad'ya mean. He's not British.j
JOEY: Maybe he's. . . gay.
PHOEBE: Oohh, um, no I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went,
um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close
and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like, definitely
felt something.
RACHEL: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?
PHOEBE: No, I felt it on my hip, you could tell.
[Monica enters]
MONICA: Yo Bing. Raquetball in 15 minutes.
CHANDLER: Joey, be a pal, lift up my hand and smack her with it.
PHOEBE: [seeing Ross kissing Julie out the window] Ooh, oh, Rachel,
don't look.
RACHEL: What? [looks] C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date
tonight.
JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?
RACHEL: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up.
JOEY: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .
RACHEL: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, ya know, as
much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity.
CHANDLER: So you really OK about all this?
RACHEL: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on, he can press her up against
that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw
her through the damn thing.
[Chandler and Julie enter]
ROSS: Hi guys.
ALL: Hey.
ROSS: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up
Fluffy's old cat toy, OK?
MONICA: Only if you say his full name.
ROSS: Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat
toy.
MONICA: Alright.
JOEY: You're getting a cat?
ROSS: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.
RACHEL: Together?
ROSS: Uh huh.
RACHEL: Both of you?
ROSS: Yep.
RACHEL: Together.
JULIE: Yeah we figure it'll live with Ross half the time and with me
half the time.
RACHEL: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two
of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really,
really, really long time.
ROSS: Hopefully.
RACHEL: Well. Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date, with a
man. Um, OK, you guys have a really uh, have a really good
night and you two have a uh, have a uh, really good cat.
[she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in] OK, we're
not supposed to take these when we leave.
[Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with Michael.]
MICHAEL: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date
I`ve gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous,
I am.
RACHEL: How long do cats live?
MICHAEL: I'm sorry?
RACHEL: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't, you know,
throw 'em under a bus or something?
MICHAEL: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.
RACHEL: That's just great. [she picks up her champange and starts
drinking]
MICHAEL: Um, cheers.
RACHEL: Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass]
MICHAEL: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she?
RACHEL: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's
this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this
friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.
MICHAEL: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.
RACHEL: I mean he just started going out with her.
MICHAEL: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?
RACHEL: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at
me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you.
MICHAEL: Alright.
RACHEL: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
PHOEBE: So, I figured it out.
JOEY: What?
PHOEBE: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not
sexy enough.
JOEY: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said
to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."
PHOEBE: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but,
sweet.
JOEY: Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're just
gonna have to ask him.
PHOEBE: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. [they hug]
[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully
pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder until
Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious
expression, and chases her away.]
[Scene: Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the last of the champange
bottle in her glass.]
RACHEL: [obviously drunk] I mean, it's a cat, ya know, it's a cat. Why
can't they get one of those bugs, ya know, one of those
fruitflys, those things that live for like a day or something?
What're they called, what're they called, what're they called?
MICHAEL: Fruitflys?
RACHEL: Yes! Thank you.
WAITER: So would you like any dessert?
MICHAEL: No! No dessert, just a check, please.
RACHEL: Oh, you're not having fun, are you?
MICHAEL: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half
I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.
RACHEL: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really
great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his
Julie. I just want to get over him gosh, why can't I do that?
MICHAEL: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna
be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had
any closure.
RACHEL: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God,
you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get
that?
MICHAEL: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you
know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him,
"I'm over you."
RACHEL: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. [she looks around the
restaurant, spotting a guy with a celular phone] Hello, excuse
me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her chair]
PHONE GUY: Hang on.
RACHEL: Hello, excuse me.
PHONE GUY: What.
RACHEL: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.
PHONE GUY: I'm talkin'!
RACHEL: I can see that. I, just one phone call, I'll be very quick,
I'll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant] OK,
you're bein' a little weird about your phone.
PHONE GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone] I'll call you back. [hands
the phone to her]
RACHEL: Thank you. OK [dials] Machine. Just waiting for the beep.
MICHAEL: Good.
RACHEL: Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that uhm,
everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat
who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you
know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am
over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call
closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is answering the door
in his robe.]
CHANDLER: No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monica] No. Monica,
it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.
MONICA: Why not?
CHANDLER: Because it's Sunday, it's God's day.
MONICA: OK, if you say stop, then we stop.
CHANDLER: OK, stop.
MONICA: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds
to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo,
woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment, leaving
Monica] Woo.
[Scene: Rachel and Monica's apartment. Rachel is taking asprin. Ross
enters.]
ROSS: Hey Rach.
RACHEL: Ahhhh.
ROSS: Oh. And how was the date?
RACHEL: Uhmm, I think there was a restraunt, I know there was
wine. . .
ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I
just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are
you looking at me like that?
RACHEL: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last
night but I, I don't remember.
ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy]
RACHEL: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?
ROSS: No, I stayed at Julie's last night.
RACHEL: Huh.
ROSS: Oh actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check
my messages?
RACHEL: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her room. Ross checks his
messages.]
ROSS: Rach, I got a message from you. Who's Michael?
RACHEL: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the
phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me
the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally
getting the phone from him]
ROSS: You're over me?
RACHEL: Ohh God.
ROSS: Wha, you're uh, you're, you're over me?
RACHEL: Ohh, ohh.
ROSS: When, when were you, under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were
you uh. . . What?
RACHEL: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh,
sort of had feelings for you.
ROSS: You've had feelings for me?
RACHEL: Yeah, what, so, you had feelings for me first.
ROSS: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had, you know?
RACHEL: Chandler told me.
ROSS: Chandler. When did he, when did he, when did he.
RACHEL: When you were in China.
ROSS: China.
RACHEL: Meeting Julie.
ROSS: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. OK, I need to lie
down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna
walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha,
and now, now, now you're over me?
ROSS: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I
mean, I've uh, ya know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend,
I'm, I'm gonna go get a cat.
RACHEL: OK, OK.
ROSS: Cat. [leaves]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play
an electric guitar. Phoebe enters.]
PHOEBE: Hey Joey.
JOEY: Hey Phoebs.
PHOEBE: How come your watching a rabbi play electric guitar?
JOEY: I can't find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank you.
PHOEBE: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.
JOEY: And?
PHOEBE: And we did.
JOEY: All right Phoebs, way to go.
PHOEBE: Yay me.
JOEY: So, so how did it happen?
PHOEBE: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going
on.
JOEY: And what did he say?
PHOEBE: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very
emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I
would gonna get all, ya know, like, ohh, is he gonna call me
the next day and, ya know, where is this going and, ya know,
blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he
was prepared to be really serious.
JOEY: Wow.
PHOEBE: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," ya know, I mean sex can
be just about two people right there in the moment, ya know,
it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not,
that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I
convinced him.
JOEY: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him,
he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got
you thinking this was a great idea.
PHOEBE: Um-hum.
JOEY: This man is my God.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing up and Ross comes in.]
RACHEL: Hi.
ROSS: I didn't get a cat.
RACHEL: Oh, that's um, interesting.
ROSS: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting.
In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of
interesting.
RACHEL: Alright, I got it Ross.
ROSS: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.
RACHEL: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think
it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
ROSS: Then you should have said something before I met her.
RACHEL: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me.
ROSS: There was never a good time.
RACHEL: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night.
ROSS: Not, not, not every night. You know, and, and it's not like I
didn't try Rachel but things got in the way, ya know, like, like
Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys.
RACHEL: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a
point?
ROSS: The point is I, I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too
late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed.
RACHEL: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings
or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?
ROSS: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten
pretty damn good at it.
RACHEL: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.
ROSS: Fine.
RACHEL: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.
ROSS: Good.
RACHEL: Good. [Ross leaves] And ya know what, now I've got closure.
[Rachel sits down, visibly upset. Ross comes back and is standing
outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish
closing, she sees him. She goes to open the door and can't get the
lock undone.]
ROSS: Try the bottom one.
[She opens the door and they kiss.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler answers the door to
find Monica.]
CLOSING CREDITS
CHANDLER: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out,
it's over.
MONICA: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. We're workin', we're
movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'.
CHANDLER: OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. OK, in fact I kind
of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me do anything
that I'll regret.
